Arnold Schwarzenegger & Maria Shriver Are Getting Back Together.  Why Not?

Arnold Schwarzenegger slept with and groped hundreds of women behind his wife’s back, knocking up all of them including the maid who pretended Arnold’s bastard son was another man’s even though the kid looked just like Arnold and somehow always got invited on family vacations without the benefit of being allowed to have genuine, honest moments with his dad and siblings. On the other hand, Maria Shriver looks like the goddamn Predator, so really, there was no other way for this to end. TMZ reports:

TMZ broke the story … Maria has been having second thoughts about pulling the plug on the marriage — despite Arnie knocking up the family maid — because of her deeply held religious views.  Arnold hadn’t been photographed in his wedding band in months, but over the past few days — Arnold dusted off the ol’ ring and reminded the world he’s STILL a married man.

Keep in mind, these pics of Maria Shriver wearing her wedding ring are from this morning, so apparently someone really can’t wait to keep a cold marital bed again and get back to some good old-fashioned denial. She’s going to ignore all that groping so good.

Rihanna: Drunken Queen of Barbados

While most of us woke up and went to work yesterday morning, Rihanna got up, slid into this a pile of ruby fishnets and started downing rum out of a cup she found lying next to a chicken coop. From there, it was only another a matter of more rum until she thought simulating a sex act on a parade float would be an awesome idea. And when isn’t it? Anyway, all this is to celebrate Kadooment Day in Barbados which I’m just going to assume is some sort of ritual to declare a new Queen of Da Island. Later, a bunch of nerds will use “Google” and tell me it’s about the sugar cane harvest then question how I even got this job. Which, funny enough, also involved rum and fishnets.

Check out the sex act on a parade float!

I just assumed Rodney King has been freely robbing banks while the LAPD tipped their hats to him and said, “Afternoon, Mr. King,” so imagine my surprise to find out he was arrested last night for DUI. And for those of you listening to your Justin Bieber CDs and going, “Who?” how do I explain the Rodney King case in a way you would understand? Okay, imagine your moms beat your head into the dishwasher after you racked up a crazy phone bill Twitter-lating the Internets, so you burnt down the city of Los Angeles when your dad refused to admit that was kind of messed up. Granted, that’s probably the worst example anyone could give, the important thing is I tried to reach these kids and “rap” with them while you sat there looking at celebrity gossip. On that note, TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell us King was driving a 1993 Mitsubishi in Moreno Valley, CA around 3:30 PM … when officers observed him committing “multiple infractions.”
King was detained and transported to a nearby Riverside Sheriff’s station — where he was eventually arrested and booked on suspicion of driving under the influence.

This had to be the most delicate arrest in the history of law enforcement. They probably took him to a five-star hotel just to break the news to him.

COP: How’s that filet, Rodney? I told them how you like it.
RODNEY: It’s good, man, real good.
COP: Perfect, perfect. Listen, the reason we brought you here – champagne? – is we’re gonna have to arrest you for DUI, champ.
RODNEY: Oh, damn, for real?
COP: For real, dawg. I hate to do this, but we’ll wait until you’re done with your mousse. It’s absolutely exquisite here.
RODNEY: Can I work the siren and hold your gun?
COP: Eh, why not? Ya little scamp. *tussles hair*Haha, it’s bristly.

When Casey Anthony gets out of jail on the 17th, she’s about to be exposed to an entire country wanting her dead. But as clever as she is a compulsive liar, Casey plans to become a master of disguise, according to the Chicago Sun-Times:

The mother of the slain Caylee reportedly is considering various disguises she can easily employ — to realistically alter her appearance. “There even have been discussions about cosmetic surgery, but Casey has rejected that out of hand,” said the Anthony insider, who says she believes “Casey really does not completely understand the depth of hatred out there.
“She’s fully aware of the various death threats, of course, but she thinks that’s isolated to relatively few nutcases,” added the source, who is deeply worried about Anthony’s well-being.

She also plans to live under an assumed identity, so out of concern for public safety I submit to you the picture below

Maria wouldn't give it up enough to Arnold

“Do naht hate da playah, hate da game.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly used to complain that Maria Shriver didn’t have enough sex with him which seems like a weird reason to make yourself the target of a massive criminal investigation considering she looks like the Predator. And, yes, you read that right; Maria has spiked mandibles Arnold’s under investigation for allegedly using the California Highway Patrol to help him bang chicks. RadarOnline reports:

Veteran hotel security officer William Taylor said he witnessed the “Governator” using California Highway Patrol (CHP) officers and vehicles to ferry scantily-clad women in-and-out of his suite at the Sacramento Hyatt Regency where he and wife Maria Shriver often stayed.
“It makes me very angry just to think of what was going on at that time,” Taylor, who passed a polygraph test about his claims, told the latest edition of the National Enquirer.
“On three differed occasions after the governor arrived alone at the Hyatt Regency, CHP Dignitary Protection Services arrived in their official vehicles, black Ford Crown Victoria sedans – about one to two hours later with one or two young females.
“They’d hurriedly escort the women through the service entrance on the second floor parking garage to the elevator that went to the governor’s private wing… the women would usually stay for two to four hours and either leave through the hotel’s main entrance or be driven away by the CHP in the same official vehicles.”

And before everyone jumps in with, “Hey, John Edwards is under investigation, too, commie,” you’re right, he is, but that still doesn’t make either one of them less of a hornball idiot who thought they could get away with it. That said, it’s nice to see Republicans and Democrats finally find some common ground albeit using whatever’s at their disposable to pretend other people are the fathers of their illegitimate love children. I really believe we can find some healing there.

REPUBLICAN: So… sticking your penis in things you shouldn’t is kind of fun, isn’t it?
DEMOCRATS: Yes, I suppose it is.
REPUBLICAN: *sticks out hand* Friends.
DEMOCRATS: *shakes hand* Friends.

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light…

Kim and Kris Are Getting Married On TV?  Stevie Wonder Could See This Coming

Because the holy union between man and woman should be a sacred and intimate event, forever intertwining two lives in the eyes of God, it only makes sense that Kris Jenner is taking bids on airing Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ wedding which was, of course, the entire point of their engagement once everyone realized Khloe’s Sasquatch uterus couldn’t produce a human child in time for next season. E! News reports:

“This is the thing, one of the biggest joys in my life is the fact that we have Khloé and Lamar’s experience on E! They filmed it and every time I watch that, I cry.”
To which Kourtney dead-pan/sassed, “Boo-hoo.”
“I went through it so quickly,” the matriarch with a huge-ass rock continued, ignoring her spawn who was sitting next to the sis with the equally huge-ass rock. “And so fast and furious, you don’t stop and take the little mental snapshots.”
And thus sparked another classic clash of the Kardashes:
Khloé: “You gotta stop with the fast and the furious comment.”
Kourtney: “Yes! I’m over it!”
Khloé: “Like, if you say that in another interview, there’s other adjectives you could use.”
Kris: “There’s none in my vocabulary.”

You kind of get the impression that Kourtney’s not exactly thrilled to be the unmarried sister, but then you realize she’s also the smart one (I measure intelligence in fake breast having.) who knows that a marriage to Scott Disick would only end with a nail gun to the head after she ordered the wrong business cards. “I specifically said off-white with a watermark. And you call this weight tasteful?!” *grabs chainsaw*